Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist

Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant
Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist

by Doktor Zoom

We are going to go out on a limb and predict that the next Lieutenant Governor of Texas will advocate the teaching of creationism in public schools. At a debate last Thursday, all four candidates for Second Banana Of the Pecos said they think there needs to be a lot more religion in the public schools, because what U.S. Constitution? And three of the four advocated teaching Creationism, which says about as much about the educational attainments of Texas Thought Leaders as you need to know. And no, don’t go getting any hopes up for that fourth one, either.

Current Lt. Gov. David “Impeach Obama but get my niece out of jail” Dewhurst is already a creationist, and just believes in fairness:

    “I believe that in fairness we need to expose students to both sides of this,” he said. “That’s why I’ve supported including in our textbooks the discussion of the biblical account of life and creation, and I understand there are a lot of people who disagree with me, and believe in evolution.”

State Sen. Dan Patrick and Ag Commissioner Todd Staples also said that they think that, for freedom, schools should teach something that isn’t science in science classes because it is popular, also Christians are oppressed:

    “Our students … must really be confused. They go to Sunday School on Sunday and then they go into school on Monday and we tell them they can’t talk about God,” said Patrick. “I’m sick and tired of a minority in our country who want us to turn our back on God.”

The one candidate who didn’t overtly advocate teaching creationism didn’t exactly sound hostile to it, either. Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson trotted out the astonishing revelation that the phrase “Separation of Church and State” does not appear in the Constitution, which obviously means that schools should have a lot more church in ‘em:

    “Show me where that’s in the Constitution, because it’s not in the Constitution,” he said. “I see nothing wrong with standing up at least for a moment of silence, let those who wish to pray, pray in their own faith. I see nothing wrong with having a prayer before a high school football game.”

Just as long as they’re not, like, Muslim or anything.

The candidates may find implementing their pledges somewhat difficult, as the Loot Gov doesn’t actually set education policy in Texas, and the state school board has almost miraculously approved science texts that actually teach science. But that is not really the point, anyway — the race is really to prove who is farthest to the right and who, as lieutenant governor, will do the most to impeach Barack Obama.


One thought on “Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist

  1. Aw, c’mon, how long would it take to teach the controversy? Let’s see … “On the other hand, some people believe God made everything exactly the way it is.” There, it only took four seconds. There isn’t anything else to say is there? That sums up creationism or intelligent design pretty much, no? Maybe we may have to include other intelligent designers, so it could be “On the other hand, some people believe God or aliens made everything exactly the way it is.” There, five seconds. Are they really asking for so much?

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